Infidelity is a devastating blow to any relationship. When an affair rocks a marriage or committed partnership, the aftermath involves a whirlwind of complex emotions—betrayal, anger, guilt, and profound grief. In the midst of this pain, it’s tempting to seek the familiar. The person you had an affair with might seem like an anchor amidst the tempest. But the truth is, maintaining a friendship with your former affair partner is a recipe for further disaster.
Why Staying Friends is a Bad Idea
- It Hurts Your Partner: Even if your partner is open to reconciliation, seeing you maintain any type of relationship with the person you betrayed will cause incredible ongoing hurt. It undermines their ability to trust you and hinders the healing process.
- It Undermines Boundaries: Healthy relationships require clear boundaries. Continuing contact with an ex-lover blurs lines and constantly tempts you to cross them again.
- It Prevents True Healing: For both you and your partner to mend and move forward, you need distance and time to process the hurt. Remaining tied to your affair partner keeps the wound raw and unresolved.
- It’s Not Fair to Her: Having an affair inherently creates an unequal power dynamic. The person you had an affair with will likely harbor lingering feelings. Staying tethered to them gives false hope and makes it harder for them to move on.
How to Cut Ties
While cutting off an ex-lover might feel brutal, it’s the kindest and most responsible path in the long-run. Here’s how to do it with clarity and compassion:
- Be Honest (With Yourself and Her): Don’t sugarcoat the situation or mislead yourself. Recognize that you’re choosing to prioritize your relationship with your partner and that this requires a clean break from your affair partner.
- Have a Direct Conversation: Ghosting is cruel. Have a brief but forthright conversation or send a clear message explaining that you can no longer have any contact. Don’t debate, justify, or provide details.
- Expect Resistance: The other person might express anger, sadness, or try to manipulate you. Remain compassionate but firm in your resolve.
- Block Contact: Delete numbers, block them on social media, and avoid situations where you know they’ll be present.
- Give Yourself Time to Grieve: Even though you’re ending it, you experienced a real connection and there will be a sense of loss. Allow yourself to grieve, but resist the urge to reach out.
Focus on Your Relationship
With your affair partner out of the picture, dedicate yourself to rebuilding trust with your spouse or significant other.
- Be Radically Transparent: If your partner wants full details of the affair, painful though it may be, honesty is the foundation of repair.
- Seek Counseling: Both individual and couples therapy can help you process the betrayal and develop strategies for stronger communication and healthier dynamics going forward.
- Be Patient: Healing is a marathon, not a sprint. True forgiveness and a restoration of trust will take time.
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Important Note: This article assumes the person who had an affair is seeking to repair the damage with their primary partner. If your goal is to leave your partner and be with your affair partner, that’s a completely different scenario.
Conclusion
The aftermath of an affair is emotionally messy. Prioritizing your primary relationship means making painful sacrifices, and ceasing all contact with the person you had an affair with is an essential step to take. While difficult, it gives you and your partner the best possible chance of healing and rebuilding your life together.